As some of you may know, I’m very close friends with J.J. Abrams’ valet.  We’re tight, we hang out on the weekends all the time.  As some of you may know, J.J. Abrams and his valet recently had a bit of a falling-out.  As some of you may know, J.J. Abrams keeps the binder of the master Lost story arc in his sock drawer.

J.J. Abrams’ valet wanted me to show this to you all.  Below is, unedited, the final episode of Lost, set to air in 2010.  This is a full two-year-ahead preview. Look away if you don’t want to read any spoilers:

***start spoilers***

it’s night time, of course
hot guy with stubble looks into the forest
hot lady makes a scared face
THEN A FUCKING GHOST COMES OUT OF THE FOREST BUT THEN THE OLD GUY KILLS IT WITH EYE LASERS

THEN HE RIDES A DOLPHIN TO SAFETY IN L.A. AND OWNS A CONDO AND THAT MAN’S NAME WAS J.J. ABRAMS

WHAT A TWIST

AND ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS THAT ARE STILL ON THE ISLAND ARE NOW SORRY THAT THEY TOLD HIM THAT HE SMELLED LIKE MUNG BEANS AND MOLDY SALSA

***end spoilers***

J.J. Abrams will probably bitch out and change the final episode now that I posted this and ruined all his plans. In fact I bet you that the final episode is nothing like this, but that’s fine.  Because I stuck up for my buddy, good ol’ J.J. Abrams’ valet.  Maybe next time, J.J. Abrams, you’ll invite us to the Lost Christmas party!