It all began with a single, massive point, a tremendous amount of energy contained in a minuscule speck. The Big Bang followed, spewing chunky pieces of universe all over. Material began coalescing into the first generation of stars, and their death resulted in the birth of heavy elements. Earth was formed in the whirlpool of the Sol system out of the corpses of the stars themselves.

On Earth, a few pieces of carbon had a cuddle puddle, and life was born. Millions of years after that, sex was invented by two adventurous organisms that wanted the cuddle puddle to lead somewhere. Still more years after that, some pioneering organism was like “Hey, oxygen in air? Bitchin!” And it climbed out of the sea and onto a piece of rock.

And that’s the story of why Greg has dry skin.

Greg X Graves is a young, angry man who is full of shit ideas. He’s a rebel, baby. You can’t take him home to Mom and Dad, because he’ll probably just start railing against the Man and his stupid Establishment, and your parents will just be like “Whoa, Daughter, no way are you dating this hooligan,” and it’ll just be a whole big scene, and Greg’ll just be like “Whatever, toots,” and ride away on his bitchin’ hog and then everyone will be sorry. Except Greg, because he’s never sorry. Once, when he was nine, he accidently dropped some ice cream on the floor and didn’t apologize. He was just like “Whatever, toots,” and rode away on his bitchin’ hog.

Now Greg is trying to capitalize on this whole “internet” thing. When asked how exactly he intended to make money on the internet, Greg just said “Whatever, toots” and rode off on his bitchin’ hog. Into the sunset.

Twitter: burnfirewalls

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Email: gregxgraves [at] gmail [dot] com