Guide to Moral Living in Examples: Ice Cream Trucks
“Uncle Justin, will you play catch with me? My coach says that I have to work on my glove work.”
“Nope,” Justin said, his voice muffled by thick alligator hide. “It’s too dangerous.”
Justin’s niece wandered off, disappointed. His mother and Justin’s sister Maureen came out of the house and walked over to the lawn where Justin sat inside of an alligator. The alligator eyed Maureen but it knew enough not to bite the hand that feeds it chicken carcasses.
“Justin, dear, why won’t you play catch with Charlene?”
“Because I could get hit in the eye with the ball and it might scratch my eye and then I’ll be blind.”
Maureen pinched the bridge of her nose.
“You’re alienating your niece. Charlene was really sad that you didn’t come to her soccer game.”
“That’s not my fault. That’s the fault of the parents.”
“For not wanting an alligator near their children?”
“Yes. Athena is very well trained,” Justin said. “Who’s a good alligator?” he cooed like he was talking to a pleasantly naughty puppy that was chewing his shoes to ribbons instead of sitting.
“But you of all people should understand that they think it’s dangerous.”
“What’s dangerous is sitting on the edge of a field full of kids that all practice very poor hygiene.”
“What are you sitting in, though?”
“An alligator’s stomach.”
“And what’s in there with you?”
“A decaying chicken carcass.”
“How’s that safer?”
“Maureen, you’re my sister and I love you, so please take it the right way when I say that you suck at math. You’re terrible. I’ve run the numbers and inside Athena’s bellly is the safest place I could be. I’m exposed to an identical set of organisms on a day to day basis, I am unlikely to be mugged, robbed, beat up, murder or thrown off of a cliff because I’ve made myself a difficult target. My risk of skin cancer is about as low as it can be.”
“Some would say that you’re not safe at all, being in there.”
“Those people would not understand statistics or probability.”
“Look, just be aware of what you’re doing to Charlene.”
“I am aware. I’m aware that I’m setting a good example.”
“You’re impossible.”
“…to harm? Almost. If I get the alligator some mouthwash I’ll be invincible and I can get on with my life.”
Maureen went back inside the house, punched a hole in the plaster and called a friend of hers that worked at a zoo. The next day, a flatbed truck with a zebra in a cage rolled up in front of their house. Maureen led Athena to the front lawn to get an eyeful.
“What’s happening?” Justin said from within the belly of the beast. “Ow. Her stomach is rippling.”
“Oh, really?” Maureen said, her voice dripping syrup. “I’m trying to do something nice for Athena since she’s been a real trooper with you living in her stomach and everything.”
Athena wanted to eat that zebra, but it had a bit, uncomfortable lump in there. That wouldn’t do. She regurgitated Justin so hard that he landed in the middle of the street and then she lunged for the zebra, which didn’t give a single shit because it knew that bars meant safety.
“Aiiieee,” Justin yelled from the street.
“Oh, quit your whining. I’m tired of it. Nothing bad’s going to happen to you now that you’re out of the alligator’s stomach.”
Everyone paused as they heard an evil tune that was growing louder. The zebra stopped chewing its feed to listen. Maureen looked around, confused. Even Athena paused with her mouth half-open, rolling her great reptilian eyes around in her head and looking for a nice, safe pond in which to hide. An ice cream truck came barrelling around the corner at the end of the street.
“Justin, move!” Maureen yelled.
“I can’t! My muscles are atrophied!” he wailed from the middle of the road.
The wayward ice cream truck barreled over Justin, lost control and wrapped its grill around a lamp post. The song died as Maureen ran over to her brother. All of his limbs were bent into strange shapes.
“See?! What’d I tell you?!” Justin shouted.
The Moral: ice cream should only be eaten in moderation because otherwise it can lead to a higher risk of heart disease.
