It’s been warm here. Real warm, for April.  Wonderful.  I went outside yesterday morning with my wife, my dog and a cup of coffee and just smelled the smells of spring.  As we headed inside, I saw them.  My entranceway was covered in milkweed bugs.  As my wife would say, groce.

We went out to the grocery store that afternoon, and I bought a bottle of toxin-free bug spray.  Because the bugs were around my door, and my dog walks that way a few times every day, I tried to be cautious in my selection of bug poisons.  I don’t need my dog throwing up any more copiously than she does already. I found this spray right next to the Off.  It’s mostly strong-smelling oils, like peppermint and cinnamon and shit like that.  So I took it outside today and sprayed it on the bugs.  The spray billed itself as eliminating flying insects.  Milkweed bugs fly, but the only thing this stuff did was knock them down off my siding until they dried off.  Oh, and they also, I suppose, smelled really nice.  This stuff actually had a nicer aroma than most air fresheners I’ve encountered.  Maybe this will back fire and I’ll have to contend with many, many more of these milkweed bugs.  Wink wink nudge nudge and all that, eh?

So after trying the delicious, delicious bug spray off and on all day and not making any progress, I finally gave in to the lessons I’d learned at my father’s knee.  That’s right, the Greg Graves’ Dad’s School of Problem Solving.  Lesson 1: try a little WD-40.  Lo and behold, that killed the fuckers.  I felt kind of bad using it on them and we have a well, so it’ll eventually work its way down, but man oh man did it take care of the milkweed bugs.  Like a fucking charm; a horrible, petroleum-based charm that can also clean bicycle chains.

If I was slightly less attached to my sense of well-being, I’d try a little of that light, aromatic bug spray on my food.  Maybe I’ll use it on some ice cream after my pepper spray encrusted steak.

So I’ve realized that my behavior in the past may have been offensive and hurt some feelings.  I used to be very confrontational.  I really regret that, and I’m trying to turn over a new leaf by being kind, caring and considerate.  I’m trying to respect the opinions of others, especially if they disagree with me.  It’s very difficult to break the old habits that I’ve long cultivated and I’ll appreciate your help in becoming a kinder, gentler man.

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Hahaha just kidding!  You can stop getting your panties in a big ol’ bunch!  April Fools!  I’m still fascinatingly abusive and inconsiderate!  I hope you like exclamation points, assholes! And if you don’t, that’s great too!  Bahahaha!